The thing about hindsight is it's always 20/20
Here's the thing I've realized about death - especially sudden, unexpected death. Everyone starts to replay situations in their heads about ways they could have done something to prevent the inexplicable reality that has now become their life.
My late husband used to say to me, "Honey, you can what if yourself to death....." I could too.... I constantly did this with purchases like a car or a house. We should have gone to see this one, or I shouldn't have purchased that car. If I would not have taken a vacation day this day I could have saved it for _____. I kind of had to learn to make a damn decision and stick with it. Stay the course. There was a reason that I chose to do what I did. Some of those decisions were really stupid (I can think of a car purchase that will haunt me for the rest of my life that I should have listened to my gut about). Our first house was a bit of a disaster. It seemed that it always had something going on (in reality, it was mostly fine - it was me just freaking out). I hated the way the kitchen and the patio looked, and he built me a new kitchen and patio. I always regretted buying that house - but in all reality, it was instrumental in getting us to the house where we eventually wound up in - and the one I'm still in today.
The point I'm trying to make is I wasted so much time worrying, being frustrated, and getting upset for something that actually turned out pretty good instead of just making the best of the situation while it was happening. 10 years out from the experience, I see it now....
Winding up a widow at 37, raising 2 kids alone was literally the LAST thing that I thought would have happened to me. As I look now, 3 years out, I see signs of distress differently than I had seen them in live action. A friend of mine texted me tonight about being there for me and being there for him - then and now. She likely was worried she felt like she didn't do enough and could have done more. She did just fine. She did the best she could have done in the situation we were faced with.
I keep going back to the Kobe Bryant accident. I heard it, I read it, I LIVED it. If only they hadn't taken off. If only they would have mandated air traffic to be grounded.
When this sudden death happens, it's rampant, especially to the closest to the deceased. Hell, it even happens when folks are sick for a long time. My Dad died 5 years ago and we knew that he wasn't going to survive cancer. It's human nature to think about things you could have changed to try and rationalize death.
People think things like,
"If I would have answered that call for help."
"I wish I would have gone to visit them."
"I should have pushed them to go to the Dr. to have _______ checked out."
"If only the weather wasn't so bad that week."
"If only the police would have answered my cry for help."
"If only I had known things that others knew but didn't tell me."
"If only I had made them stay over at my house, instead of driving home."
Insert 4,000,000 other things here. The truth is you can't rationalize with some parts of grief. Sometimes deaths are preventable. Sometimes they're not. I knew in my (what use to be) rationally thinking mind that in the days/weeks/months prior to his death I did everything that I could have done.
I lie. There's one thing that I wish I had done. I do have one regret. Do I think it could have ended differently? I guess I don't know. I also don't know if that would have made things end even WORSE than they did. I had a text typed out and was ready to send to someone I felt could help our situation. I stopped and did not send it, because I feared that it would have resulted in disaster. Granted, not sending it was a disaster that I didn't expect, and I have mostly come to peace with this.
The honest to God truth that I know in my heart is that I did the best that I could have done. I made decisions based on what I thought was best for all of us. At some point, no matter how rationally you act and how smart decisions are that you make - you are left powerless.
Just because I feel like I did the best I could do does not equal the fact that I WISH things didn't end up differently. I was able to separate these feelings. Hell, I think all of us can think of SOMETHING we wish was better. I wish I was rich. I wish I was insanely gorgeous. But the reality is, I make the best out of what I got.
I think so many people who are grieving can't differentiate the two. They wish things were different and THINK they could have prevented the car accident, heart attack, suicide, overdose, etc etc etc.
It's likely they did the best they could - at the time it was happening, given the circumstances that were staring them in the face. I found the most peace in acknowledging that I wished "_____" didn't happen, and then telling myself, "OK, yes, we wish it didn't happen, but I could have never known that was going to happen based on ______, ______, and ______.
Hindsight is a bitch. Everyone can quarterback Monday morning. It's also possible to wish things happened differently but understand you did your best and sometimes that's not enough to change the outcome. It SUCKS. But it's NOT YOUR FAULT.
My late husband used to say to me, "Honey, you can what if yourself to death....." I could too.... I constantly did this with purchases like a car or a house. We should have gone to see this one, or I shouldn't have purchased that car. If I would not have taken a vacation day this day I could have saved it for _____. I kind of had to learn to make a damn decision and stick with it. Stay the course. There was a reason that I chose to do what I did. Some of those decisions were really stupid (I can think of a car purchase that will haunt me for the rest of my life that I should have listened to my gut about). Our first house was a bit of a disaster. It seemed that it always had something going on (in reality, it was mostly fine - it was me just freaking out). I hated the way the kitchen and the patio looked, and he built me a new kitchen and patio. I always regretted buying that house - but in all reality, it was instrumental in getting us to the house where we eventually wound up in - and the one I'm still in today.
The point I'm trying to make is I wasted so much time worrying, being frustrated, and getting upset for something that actually turned out pretty good instead of just making the best of the situation while it was happening. 10 years out from the experience, I see it now....
Winding up a widow at 37, raising 2 kids alone was literally the LAST thing that I thought would have happened to me. As I look now, 3 years out, I see signs of distress differently than I had seen them in live action. A friend of mine texted me tonight about being there for me and being there for him - then and now. She likely was worried she felt like she didn't do enough and could have done more. She did just fine. She did the best she could have done in the situation we were faced with.
I keep going back to the Kobe Bryant accident. I heard it, I read it, I LIVED it. If only they hadn't taken off. If only they would have mandated air traffic to be grounded.
When this sudden death happens, it's rampant, especially to the closest to the deceased. Hell, it even happens when folks are sick for a long time. My Dad died 5 years ago and we knew that he wasn't going to survive cancer. It's human nature to think about things you could have changed to try and rationalize death.
People think things like,
"If I would have answered that call for help."
"I wish I would have gone to visit them."
"I should have pushed them to go to the Dr. to have _______ checked out."
"If only the weather wasn't so bad that week."
"If only the police would have answered my cry for help."
"If only I had known things that others knew but didn't tell me."
"If only I had made them stay over at my house, instead of driving home."
Insert 4,000,000 other things here. The truth is you can't rationalize with some parts of grief. Sometimes deaths are preventable. Sometimes they're not. I knew in my (what use to be) rationally thinking mind that in the days/weeks/months prior to his death I did everything that I could have done.
I lie. There's one thing that I wish I had done. I do have one regret. Do I think it could have ended differently? I guess I don't know. I also don't know if that would have made things end even WORSE than they did. I had a text typed out and was ready to send to someone I felt could help our situation. I stopped and did not send it, because I feared that it would have resulted in disaster. Granted, not sending it was a disaster that I didn't expect, and I have mostly come to peace with this.
The honest to God truth that I know in my heart is that I did the best that I could have done. I made decisions based on what I thought was best for all of us. At some point, no matter how rationally you act and how smart decisions are that you make - you are left powerless.
Just because I feel like I did the best I could do does not equal the fact that I WISH things didn't end up differently. I was able to separate these feelings. Hell, I think all of us can think of SOMETHING we wish was better. I wish I was rich. I wish I was insanely gorgeous. But the reality is, I make the best out of what I got.
I think so many people who are grieving can't differentiate the two. They wish things were different and THINK they could have prevented the car accident, heart attack, suicide, overdose, etc etc etc.
It's likely they did the best they could - at the time it was happening, given the circumstances that were staring them in the face. I found the most peace in acknowledging that I wished "_____" didn't happen, and then telling myself, "OK, yes, we wish it didn't happen, but I could have never known that was going to happen based on ______, ______, and ______.
Hindsight is a bitch. Everyone can quarterback Monday morning. It's also possible to wish things happened differently but understand you did your best and sometimes that's not enough to change the outcome. It SUCKS. But it's NOT YOUR FAULT.
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