Kobe
I'm not going to lie, Kobe set me back. Kobe stung....a LOT.
I'm not a Lakers fan, in fact I'm not really even an NBA fan. I do know and love the game of basketball, but not at that level.
I decided today that it's time to start this thing after more than 24 hours of the shock spit out all over facebook, twitter, instagram, and the hallways at work. I was fixing the girls lunch yesterday and randomly pulled my phone out of my pocket and it was the first thing on my feed: "Kobe Bryant Dead after Helicopter Crash." I scrolled a little bit more and saw it again and left out a "NOOOO!"
Of course, two post grief kids immediately get really concerned and immediately asked what was wrong. I explained the situation and their response was, "Oh. Can I have some chicken nuggets for lunch?"
Sure, the fact of the matter is that they probably have never seen an NBA game in their life. While they both play (very entry level) basketball, the name really didn't mean anything to them. They're 11 and 8 now and his last game was in nearly 4 years ago. We ate lunch, and went out on our errands and then eventually to one of the kid's basketball games. Everywhere you went, "Man, Kobe. Did you hear about Kobe?" In all reality, I said it twice to two of my good friends, who happen to love basketball. I was getting texts and social media was vomiting every last memory/experience with Kobe.
As more information came out about the other folks in the crash, including his daughter, it started to dig deeper. Scroll...Kobe, scroll scroll....more Kobe. I'm in several widow groups on facebook and one even mentioned, "hey guys - do yourselves a favor and don't get too engrossed in this Kobe stuff. This is gonna rip off some band-aids. Be kind to yourself and be mindful. Give yourselves a break."
After the Grammys last night, I thought that was a fantastic idea. It was time to turn off all of the tributes (for my own sake, not because they weren't deserved), and watch some re-runs.
Today at work, it was everywhere. "Can you imagine? Can you imagine how his wife felt?"
"Everyone is making a big deal about this guy who was not faithful. He was a horrible man." "They were stupid that could have been prevented." "How am I supposed to explain to my kids that this happened and it's not going to happen to me?" "How do I tell my kids such painful things?"
The thing I need to remember is that the trauma and shock I've experienced (which honestly pales into comparison than so many that I know) does not register or compute to the vast majority. Thankfully, most of the people out there live the traditional, mostly uneventful lives in that people don't die suddenly at young ages. People are born, live their lives and for the most part die at an age after they've seen kids grow and hopefully have spent time with some grand kids along the way.
Grief counseling lets you experience all sorts of traumatic situations through the eyes of their survivors. People stressed out about what to tell their kids about a man who flew in a helicopter (probably in conditions where he shouldn't have) to me is matter of fact.
A few months ago, there was a death within our community that was complicated and unexpected. A mutual friend had mentioned to me, "Wow, I just don't need to be telling my daughter how so and so died." My response was, "Well, honestly, children tend to come up with things in their mind that are FAR worse and create MUCH more anxiety, so be honest." - Age appropriate of course. Don't "sugar coat" the information, but don't explain every last detail that is unnecessary.
All day long today, I felt like saying "Yes, I CAN imagine. YES I DO KNOW people who've had to explain VERY difficult things to their kids (me included) that happened to PEOPLE THEY ACTUALLY KNEW!
Take this experience and don't HIDE from it. Use it as a learning experience to teach your kids. Again, you don't need to give so much information that it inflicts pure anxiety, but the reality is everyone is going to experience grief at SOME point of their life. As a mother who's had to explain some REALLY tough shit to my children regarding some close family members who have died in the last 4+ years, I WISH the worst issue I had was to relay this information to them.
I was actually saddened by how my kids took the news. I didn't expect them to be destroyed, and I probably should be proud with how they've handled it because they KNOW life is fragile. They UNDERSTAND people can be taken in the blink of an eye yet they CONTINUE to push on and LIVE. For this, I'm thankful and see the work we are doing has been working.
Lastly, let's not forget the widow here. Sure they've had some marital issues that (because they're famous) have been spewed out into the world for all to know about. There are few marriages out there that don't have some ups and downs and complicated situations. Despite these complications, she's still mourning this loss of her family. Her husband, her daughter and the FAMILY unit that she has known has been taken away in a flash. The fact that there may have been some complicated times does not take away from her grief, it likely adds an entirely new layer of complexity. Trust me, I know a little about complexity. It doesn't make grief any easier to navigate.....
I'm not a Lakers fan, in fact I'm not really even an NBA fan. I do know and love the game of basketball, but not at that level.
I decided today that it's time to start this thing after more than 24 hours of the shock spit out all over facebook, twitter, instagram, and the hallways at work. I was fixing the girls lunch yesterday and randomly pulled my phone out of my pocket and it was the first thing on my feed: "Kobe Bryant Dead after Helicopter Crash." I scrolled a little bit more and saw it again and left out a "NOOOO!"
Of course, two post grief kids immediately get really concerned and immediately asked what was wrong. I explained the situation and their response was, "Oh. Can I have some chicken nuggets for lunch?"
Sure, the fact of the matter is that they probably have never seen an NBA game in their life. While they both play (very entry level) basketball, the name really didn't mean anything to them. They're 11 and 8 now and his last game was in nearly 4 years ago. We ate lunch, and went out on our errands and then eventually to one of the kid's basketball games. Everywhere you went, "Man, Kobe. Did you hear about Kobe?" In all reality, I said it twice to two of my good friends, who happen to love basketball. I was getting texts and social media was vomiting every last memory/experience with Kobe.
As more information came out about the other folks in the crash, including his daughter, it started to dig deeper. Scroll...Kobe, scroll scroll....more Kobe. I'm in several widow groups on facebook and one even mentioned, "hey guys - do yourselves a favor and don't get too engrossed in this Kobe stuff. This is gonna rip off some band-aids. Be kind to yourself and be mindful. Give yourselves a break."
After the Grammys last night, I thought that was a fantastic idea. It was time to turn off all of the tributes (for my own sake, not because they weren't deserved), and watch some re-runs.
Today at work, it was everywhere. "Can you imagine? Can you imagine how his wife felt?"
"Everyone is making a big deal about this guy who was not faithful. He was a horrible man." "They were stupid that could have been prevented." "How am I supposed to explain to my kids that this happened and it's not going to happen to me?" "How do I tell my kids such painful things?"
The thing I need to remember is that the trauma and shock I've experienced (which honestly pales into comparison than so many that I know) does not register or compute to the vast majority. Thankfully, most of the people out there live the traditional, mostly uneventful lives in that people don't die suddenly at young ages. People are born, live their lives and for the most part die at an age after they've seen kids grow and hopefully have spent time with some grand kids along the way.
Grief counseling lets you experience all sorts of traumatic situations through the eyes of their survivors. People stressed out about what to tell their kids about a man who flew in a helicopter (probably in conditions where he shouldn't have) to me is matter of fact.
A few months ago, there was a death within our community that was complicated and unexpected. A mutual friend had mentioned to me, "Wow, I just don't need to be telling my daughter how so and so died." My response was, "Well, honestly, children tend to come up with things in their mind that are FAR worse and create MUCH more anxiety, so be honest." - Age appropriate of course. Don't "sugar coat" the information, but don't explain every last detail that is unnecessary.
All day long today, I felt like saying "Yes, I CAN imagine. YES I DO KNOW people who've had to explain VERY difficult things to their kids (me included) that happened to PEOPLE THEY ACTUALLY KNEW!
Take this experience and don't HIDE from it. Use it as a learning experience to teach your kids. Again, you don't need to give so much information that it inflicts pure anxiety, but the reality is everyone is going to experience grief at SOME point of their life. As a mother who's had to explain some REALLY tough shit to my children regarding some close family members who have died in the last 4+ years, I WISH the worst issue I had was to relay this information to them.
I was actually saddened by how my kids took the news. I didn't expect them to be destroyed, and I probably should be proud with how they've handled it because they KNOW life is fragile. They UNDERSTAND people can be taken in the blink of an eye yet they CONTINUE to push on and LIVE. For this, I'm thankful and see the work we are doing has been working.
Lastly, let's not forget the widow here. Sure they've had some marital issues that (because they're famous) have been spewed out into the world for all to know about. There are few marriages out there that don't have some ups and downs and complicated situations. Despite these complications, she's still mourning this loss of her family. Her husband, her daughter and the FAMILY unit that she has known has been taken away in a flash. The fact that there may have been some complicated times does not take away from her grief, it likely adds an entirely new layer of complexity. Trust me, I know a little about complexity. It doesn't make grief any easier to navigate.....
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